750 Words~

I am so very tired this morning. Just want to crawl back into bed, curl up in a ball with the pillow over my head and sleep the day away. I'm tired of worrying about paying my bills, worrying about my children and husband. I'm tired of worrying about my business and if  this economy will pick up soon enough to save it. I need another vacation all ready but just got back home from my last one a month or so ago, just dreaming I guess. We all want to run away from life from time to time. My son's car accident a couple of early mornings ago has put me into a funk. I didn't realize how very close he came to killing himself until I talked to the police officer, the claims adjuster, the car impound guy  where I actually saw the damage done to the car. I was told that if it had been an American made car or most any other type of vehicle, the engine would have been pushed up into my sons lap....how's that for visualization? It seems a Volvo is one of, if not the most safest cars on the road. God bless that Volvo who now lies dead in a scrap heap somewhere...We just spent $800. to put new tires on it too, what a bunch of shit! I'm upset with my son but so grateful that he wasn't more seriously injured or  killed in his late night drunken drive while talking on his cell phone to his girlfriend. I mean really, drinking and driving isn't bad enough and you have to add the fucking cell phone to the mix!!! You can't tell kids anything nowadays, they just think we're (parents) are all a bunch of moronic dumbasses....maybe we are, who the hell knows. But I do know that I'll never be caught driving while intoxicated and yapping on my stupid cell phone. I hate fucking cell phones! Hell, I was never enamored with land line phones...come to think of it, I despise any kind of phone. I despise when the phone rings when someone calls me. I don't want anyone to call me because in my mind it's either a bill collector, someone trying to sell me some bullshit, bad news, or a wrong number. It's never a call from a long lost friend that I've been thinking of or a call that I just won millions in the lottery...it's all ways just some annoying call that I can live without. So this morning I am in a mood, I think you can probably tell by my delivery. I am feeling a bit defiant, upset, annoyed, disgusted....hmmm, there's more but my brain is too tired to think. Like I said previously, I just want to crawl back into bed, curl up in a ball with the pillow over my head and sleep the day away. But I cannot.....I have responsibilities and a business to run. I need to make money in order to pay my bills so that I don't receive any annoying phone calls fro bill collectors or wholesalers that I owe money to. Hell, after 16 years in business they know I'm good for it, the greedy bastards! I have all ways paid  my debts, all ways! Better late than never right? Okay, I've rambled on enough, need to put on my happy face and get ready for work. I need to show the world that I can do this, that I can become an independent woman who is self-sufficient and can take care of herself.....I need to prove this to myself most importantly. But my God, what a struggle it's been. That's why I'm still here, conflicted and confused, not feeling that great about what I'm doing and the way I'm doing it but I have no other choice at this point in time. I'm doing what must be done without trying to hurt anyone...but it seems in the process I hurt myself because I am not being true to me. We all do what we have to do in life. I am trying to become the best woman I can be, a true work in progress for sure. And if I keep at it I'm hoping that I will blossom and bloom and surprise even myself. Wouldn't that be a beautiful thing?...So....off to work I go with my happy face painted on eager to see what the day has in store for me....okay, well maybe not so eager....

Wayne's Accident

He really did it this time! How many times do you talk to someone before they listen? Some people never do, they have to learn everything the hard way. I suppose I was that way when I was young too. Stubborn, hard-headed, thought I knew it all...so of course it would serve me right to have a child who is the same way. But  he is playing with fire, this son of mine who I fear may have gotten the alcoholic gene passed down to him from a family tree riddled with them. I am worried about him now. He's only 23 years old and has been so defiant since his teens. Wayne's not a bad kid, he's intelligent, handsome, kind hearted for the most part but has the defensive air when it comes to his father and I. He just doesn't want to be told what to do or how he should do it. He despises advice, I think it just bounces right off of his brain like a ball off a wall. But he should have heeded our warnings about driving while intoxicated. What a fucking stupid thing to do....and to argue on his cell phone while driving drunk, doubly stupid, idiotic and moronic combined! Last night, well, early this morning around 5:00am I hear that dreaded knock on my door. A parents worse fear and one we pray we'll never experience. My husband gets out of bed while saying "Fuck me" because he knew this couldn't be good. There on the front porch stands a police officer with our son who is shit faced drunk, my son not the officer... I'm still laying in bed but could hear the conversation. Wayne Jr. was driving home from Clifton, he was twice the legal limit, and he ran off the road driving too fast and hit a telephone pole. We found out later from our son that he was having an argument on his cell phone with his girlfriend Janine. Janine has threatened to break up with Wayne in the past because of his drinking. Her father was or still is an alcoholic and her brother is as well. She doe not want a boyfriend/husband who suffers from the same curse. I don't blame her. I have been married to an alcoholic for over 3 decades now and it's no picnic in the park. So you see, my son learned by example I suppose, a double whammy if indeed he did inherit the addictive personality gene. I need to do more research. I know things could have turned out far worse and that I should be grateful that he didn't kill himself or anyone else or have a head injury and lie in a coma for years. Hitting a telephone pole while drunk and speeding is serious business. The police officer told my husband that it's a good thing he was driving a solid car, that Volvo's are build to withstand much more than some of the cheaper plastic cars on the road nowadays. Thank God Wayne was wearing his seatbelt and that the airbag deployed. There is all ways something to be thankful for I suppose, even the most dire of situations. We can either see the glass has half empty or half full, I've all ways been a sickening optimist. The police officer informed us our sons court date. He told us that Wayne's driving privilege has been revoked and that there will fines and penalties to be paid. I'm sure he'll have to take classes on what can happen while driving drunk and be made to view horrific scenes of accidents with mangled bodies and dead babies tossed and thrown out of car windows onto God forsaken highways. But  that's okay. We all need a slap across the face of harsh reality from time to time...as ugly as that may be. Psychically our son will be fine, mentally and emotionally is another story. The Volvo is in a coma close to death. Only time and an insurance adjuster  will determine if it lives or dies and ends up in a metal junk heap somewhere on the outskirts of town. I am worried for my son now, really worried. I don't want him to be an alcoholic. It's not the way to live a life and will only bring misery to all those involved.I have a feeling that he may need professional help and if we do this now there may be hope that he will see the light. I pray he does....over and over again will I pray.

Brother Gino

Oh...I looked! I really didn't want to but I did. I tell my mind not to but my head turns nonetheless. I have no control, sort of like a marionette who's strings are being pulled and tugged by unseen forces. Looking is not the problem. It's when I actually spot one that conjures up all those feelings that are more than unpleasant and that we tend to put inside a box and duct tape the hell out of....no leakage or oozing allowed. I call them trolls. Not out loud of course because that would be so politically incorrect and I would be viewed as an insensitive bitch, but that is far from the truth, My sensitivities run deeper than most, I can truly feel your pain. I began looking almost a decade ago, shortly after my brother told me a story of a hitchhiking nightmare that he endured. My brothers name was Gino and he was a great storyteller. He had the gift of remembering every detail while I can hardly remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday morning. Yogurt I think......or maybe a muffin....Anyway, the story he relayed goes something like this...Brother Gino wanted to leave before the weather turned too cold. Like me, he detested the winters here in Cincinnati since we grew up in Miami, Florida and loved the ocean and tropical climate. So he packed a duffel bag, stuck his thumb in the air and began hitchhiking his way south. He managed to catch a ride with a semi-truck driver who drove him all the way down to W. Virginia before he had to exit the highway to head off in another direction. Brother Gino walked back up the exit ramp and started walking south with his thumb once again stuck in the air trying to catch another ride. He walked and walked for what seemed like hours without any luck. The sun was beginning to go down along with his spirits. He was hungry, tired and cold since the temperature dropped as quickly as the setting sun. He was walking up to an overpass when he got the idea that this could suffice as his refuge for the night. The incline wasn't too steep and the ledge on top was wide enough to accommodate his size without fear of rolling off onto the freeway if he should have the misfortune of tossing and turning in his sleep. But there was no sleep for him on that freezing night somewhere in W. Virginia underneath the overpass. The weather proved too cold and brother Gino believed that he would die of hypothermia. It was 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning and he had never been so cold for such a length of time. That concrete held on to the freezing dampness the way a starving dog holds onto a bone. So he did the only thing he could do...Gino opened his duffel bag and pulled out an article of clothing. I think he said it was a Doors T-Shirt..God how I used to be madly in love with Jim Morrison....He then fished a pack of matches out of his pocket and proceeded to light the bundle of cotton on fire, but the warmth was short-lived. He then pulled another article of clothing out of his duffel, fished the matches from his pocket and repeated the process, over and over again through the night until every single piece of clothing was incinerated. Brother Gino truly believed that he would die that night but that was not his destiny. His death would come years later under different circumstances that were just as dire. Since his death I look, I really can't help myself. I look under the overpasses whenever I travel the highways and the byways looking for trolls, the lost and forgotten souls who for whatever reason have given up on life and given up on themselves. The  Vietnam veterans, the abused, the alcoholics and drug addicts, the overly sensitive misfits and tortured souls who can make no rhyme or reason of societies structure and where they fit in. I look....and I cannot help myself. I am looking for my brother Gino and all the brothers in this world who could not find beauty in life, who lost their ability to laugh and find some sort of joy. I am looking for those who have forgotten to love themselves and feel that they deserve to die alone in some God forsaken place,,,,,my heart cries for them....why do we suffer so.....dear God, why?

Dreams and Wishes

When I ask that you honor me, I am asking you for respect. I am asking that you endear me to you and that you have a place in your heart for me...I have not come to love you easily, love has never been easy for me. I resisted and denied, I have spilled many tears and my heart has ached from the want of you. But I do love you and I so desire you, as uncomfortable as this may make you feel. Life is curious isn't it? Just when you give up on the notion of love, although your prayers betray your waking hours and your dreams are filled with desire and yearning...someone walks through your door, someone who makes you sit up and take notice, someone who makes your heart beat a little faster, someone who reminds you of your womanhood and the passion and sensuality that once oozed from your pores so naturally.....and your life will never be the same..... but be so very careful in what your dreams are made of and what your wishes consist of because.....dreams and wishes can and do come true. ~Vita~

Brother Gino

My brother was an amazing guy, out of all five siblings he was the one who looked most like me with the same dark hair, eyes and coloring. We took after our father and the Italian side of the family while our brothers and sisters looked more like my German mothers side. My brother Gino battled drug addiction since he was a teenager. He was like Jeckyl and Hyde, you would not want to be around him when he was using. He told me a story a few years ago about when he was hitchhiking from Ohio back down to Florida where we grew up and how cold it got during the night along the interstate. It was during the winter and he was having a hard time getting a ride and at one point he climbed up under an overpass to try to get a little sleep. However, it proved too cold to sleep and he proceeded to take out an article of clothing from his duffel bag and set it on fire in order to warm himself a bit....he ended up burning all of his belongings during the night because he feared he would surely freeze to death. Like me, my brother had the spirit of adventure, which turned out to be a blessing and a curse. We are restless souls, always searching for something but not quite sure what it is. I loved my brother, besides my sister Kathie he was my favorite sibling and such a great storyteller....his memory was incredible, never missing a detail.  Shortly before Gino died of heroin withdrawal he was having dinner at my house and we were talking about addictions and whether it was a disease or brought on my human weakness....and this is what he said to me: Don't let anyone tell you that drug addiction is a disease, it's not like cancer or some God forsaken malady that you have no control over. Every time I relapsed I made a conscious decision to do so, no one held a gun to my head and made me stick a needle in my arm. It may be physiological, psychological, sociological....I don't know...but it's not a disease..." I have thought long and hard about his statement and I have to admit that I do not know why people become addicts. All I do know however is that I miss my brother who passed away 2 yrs. ago alone in a hospital far removed from his family...thank God he had a priest by his side until the end of his life. Now whenever I travel I always look up under the overpasses fearing that I might see a homeless person crouched up in the dark recesses rubbing his hands trying to keep warm... and inevitably I find one and how it saddens me.....because I am seeing my beautiful brother and the waste of a perfect human life and for what? Why? Why do we not love ourselves and why do we suffer so....?

Words Unspoken

The words are there....on the tip of my tongue. The sit patiently in wait, like actors backstage awaiting their cue. They want so desperately to speak out, to give meaning and substance to their essence, to make you aware of the feelings that I fear not share... but the words are there.....biding their time, wanting to spill forth until every last one of them have been heard, have been understood.....the words are there...on the tip of my tongue...and one day, I will honor them enough to set them free.....

Outside Looking In

I was born into a family that consisted mainly of alcoholics and drug abusers....I always felt different, on the outside looking in. I was never told that I was pretty, or smart, or that I shouldn't settle for anything in life except that which I truly desired because I was worth it. Everything that I managed to accomplish I did on my own but in the back of my mind I was always a little girl seeking approval, seeking love. I never felt good enough, pretty enough, smart enough.....but now, at this age, I am emerging and beginning to believe in myself, truly believe.....and that is a beautiful thing......xox

Late Bloomer

I've always been a late bloomer in life....just took my time getting comfortable in my own skin and realizing my self worth. It's a wonderful thing when something finally awakens within ourselves and we take a deep breath and exhale all the negative bullshit that has held us back from realizing our true potential. We are taught to be forgiving and kind, to not be judgmental of others, to live with love in our hearts..... these are wonderful attributes...but we must also forgive, be kind, not judge and love ourselves as well.

Sunnier Skies

~Who am I to impose my wishes on to another? And why should I care at all after all these years of pleading, threatening, worrying...? The truth is that I no longer care, live your life, if you can call that living.....drink, drink some more, here, have another....drown yourself along with your miseries....but don't think for one moment that I'm going down with the ship.....I'm sailing away to sunnier skies, warmer waters.....where there's a rainbow after reach and every squall.... ~

~Desire~

~There is so much desire inside of me.....it fills me to the brim and wants to spill forth, sweet syrupy thick words of love and longing.... but they lie in wait....just under the surface, hot and stewing until like a volcano they spill forth and drown us both in molten ecstacy .....

~Sensuality~

~There are not many things that I feel sure about in life. I leave most things open to interpretation and leave room for doubt realizing that nothing is set in stone....but the older I become the more I realize what is truly important in life....and these things I simply cannot deny because they resonate so deeply, they make me feel viable and sensual and so very much alive.....I truly believe that anything that makes our juices flow, stimulates our creativity, makes us feel raw and teeming with with the wonder and possibility of it all....is exactly the way we were meant to feel...~

Clarity

There are moments when I can see with such clarity...when the fog lifts and the clouds part....when I am conscious and living in the moment without delusions of grandeur or school girl fantasies that wrap colorful ribbons around dreams and desires that run rampant through my wishful mind....there are moments of clarity, and though I am aware I choose not to believe......because the reality I create is so much better than the one I live..........