Saturday, October 29, 2011

750 Words~

I am so very tired this morning. Just want to crawl back into bed, curl up in a ball with the pillow over my head and sleep the day away. I'm tired of worrying about paying my bills, worrying about my children and husband. I'm tired of worrying about my business and if  this economy will pick up soon enough to save it. I need another vacation all ready but just got back home from my last one a month or so ago, just dreaming I guess. We all want to run away from life from time to time. My son's car accident a couple of early mornings ago has put me into a funk. I didn't realize how very close he came to killing himself until I talked to the police officer, the claims adjuster, the car impound guy  where I actually saw the damage done to the car. I was told that if it had been an American made car or most any other type of vehicle, the engine would have been pushed up into my sons's that for visualization? It seems a Volvo is one of, if not the most safest cars on the road. God bless that Volvo who now lies dead in a scrap heap somewhere...We just spent $800. to put new tires on it too, what a bunch of shit! I'm upset with my son but so grateful that he wasn't more seriously injured or  killed in his late night drunken drive while talking on his cell phone to his girlfriend. I mean really, drinking and driving isn't bad enough and you have to add the fucking cell phone to the mix!!! You can't tell kids anything nowadays, they just think we're (parents) are all a bunch of moronic dumbasses....maybe we are, who the hell knows. But I do know that I'll never be caught driving while intoxicated and yapping on my stupid cell phone. I hate fucking cell phones! Hell, I was never enamored with land line phones...come to think of it, I despise any kind of phone. I despise when the phone rings when someone calls me. I don't want anyone to call me because in my mind it's either a bill collector, someone trying to sell me some bullshit, bad news, or a wrong number. It's never a call from a long lost friend that I've been thinking of or a call that I just won millions in the's all ways just some annoying call that I can live without. So this morning I am in a mood, I think you can probably tell by my delivery. I am feeling a bit defiant, upset, annoyed, disgusted....hmmm, there's more but my brain is too tired to think. Like I said previously, I just want to crawl back into bed, curl up in a ball with the pillow over my head and sleep the day away. But I cannot.....I have responsibilities and a business to run. I need to make money in order to pay my bills so that I don't receive any annoying phone calls fro bill collectors or wholesalers that I owe money to. Hell, after 16 years in business they know I'm good for it, the greedy bastards! I have all ways paid  my debts, all ways! Better late than never right? Okay, I've rambled on enough, need to put on my happy face and get ready for work. I need to show the world that I can do this, that I can become an independent woman who is self-sufficient and can take care of herself.....I need to prove this to myself most importantly. But my God, what a struggle it's been. That's why I'm still here, conflicted and confused, not feeling that great about what I'm doing and the way I'm doing it but I have no other choice at this point in time. I'm doing what must be done without trying to hurt anyone...but it seems in the process I hurt myself because I am not being true to me. We all do what we have to do in life. I am trying to become the best woman I can be, a true work in progress for sure. And if I keep at it I'm hoping that I will blossom and bloom and surprise even myself. Wouldn't that be a beautiful thing? to work I go with my happy face painted on eager to see what the day has in store for me....okay, well maybe not so eager....

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