Slow Burn

Life and Love are sometimes too difficult for the sensitive of heart....a long slow burn that never seems to end....maybe I'm in a state of purgatory.......maybe I'll always be in a state of purgatory.

~Miranda's Passing~

Miranda led a charmed life. To look at her, you would think she had the world in her front pocket. Born into a wealthy family, Miranda enjoyed all the good things life had to offer, world travel, operas, weekend trips to New York City to see standing room only plays, dinners at five star restaurants..... She was graced not only with wealth but an intellect to match. Among her many talents was that of published author who wrote self-help books, the first titled Learn To Love By Loving Yourself, and the second titled Reaching for the Stars. She was half-way through her third book, which she considered her best yet, titled Sacred Journey. Miranda was an over-achiever, not quite a perfectionist but a close second. She simply felt that something worth doing was worth doing well.....or as well as humanly possible. Besides her love for books and writing, she also had a passion for painting and once exhibited her watercolors at a downtown gallery where she sold three paintings in one evening. She lived in a fine home in an upscale community where the lawns are meticulously cared for, and the children grow up playing lacrosse and tennis, take music and ballet lessons, go swimming and play golf at their parent's private country club. For all appearances Miranda did indeed live a charmed life. But the naked eye can see only the superficial, the face that is painted on each morning to show the world that all is well. All is not well with Miranda for all the wealth in the world cannot buy her good health. Only her family and small circle of friends were made aware of Miranda's prognosis. Weeks earlier she had been diagnosed with cancer. Not just cancer but stage four breast cancer that had metastasized because she had waited too long and turned a blind eye to the symptoms until she could no longer do so. Each year, religiously, Miranda would go for her annual check-up, always in the month of January so she could begin the New Year with a clean bill of health.  But she had missed her appointment the previous year because she was ill with the flu bug. She had every intention to reschedule once she felt better but days turned into weeks and the appointment was put on the back burner and soon forgotten about. At the age of thirty-six and never having been sick with anything more than childhood measles and an occasional cold or flu, Miranda didn't trouble herself with the missed appointment. If she had gone, she expected nothing less than her doctor's usual phone call claiming " Everything looks good. All tests came back normal. See you next year"..... But not this time. Miranda sensed there would be no next year. On this visit her doctor's eyes said it all, sometimes more is said when words go unspoken, thought Miranda. Time is a gift, not a given. Funny how we take it all for granted, our precious lives, our family, our future. She was beyond depressed. Miranda felt an emptiness so deep that her despair echoed throughout her repeating the same tortured mantra "Why me? What have I done to deserve this"? But she knew better. Miranda knew that terrible tragedies befall even the most innocent and pure of heart. Though she was not religious, she did own a strong spiritual sense and belief in an afterlife. She wondered if her fate was some sort of karmic retribution for deeds done lifetimes ago. her heart ached with pain and sorrow of knowing that she would never wed, never hold her newborn infant in her arms, never become a grandmother. She had placed more importance on education and career than allowing love to enter to her structured life never realizing that both were possible. No longer did life make sense. There was no rhyme or reason to anything and she now viewed her organized world through jaded eyes. She became detached and though she tried to continue her writing, she could find no peace or solace in the words. Miranda always loved the beauty and the power of words, but they now felt inferior and fell short in their attempts to pacify.

After a few months, with her health rapidly declining, Miranda went to stay with her parents in Upstate Michigan. Marc and Michelle Oliver left early on a Friday morning, drove the five hours to Miranda's home in Chicago, spent the night, and took their only daughter back to her childhood home to live out the final weeks of her life surrounded by nature.....surrounded by love. She was weak and tired but her medication was a wonder drug that alleviated much of the pain. She slept for hours on end. Her dreams had become so vivid and surreal. One dream in particular stood out from the others. It was of her maternal grandmother who had passed when Miranda was fifteen years of age. She was standing at the foot of the antique four-poster bed with arms reaching out calling Miranda by her pet name, Mimi. Miranda awoke startled. The room felt colder than usual and was bathed in a soft shimmer of iridescent light. Miranda felt confused. She audibly heard her name called out. There was no doubt it was her German grandmother's voice, soft and thick with accent. The smell of Lavender perfume oil hung in the air, her grandmother always wore the sweet scent of lavender.  With effort, Miranda sat up in bed expecting to see her Oma. The clock on the nightstand read 3:30a.m. After slowly surveying the room and wondering what had just taken place, she eased back onto the goose-down pillows but was too emotional to return to sleep. How she yearned to be held by her Oma and reassured that all will be well.  Curled up on her side and gently rocking back and forth, Miranda finally returned to sleep. The next morning, in the light of day, Miranda convinced herself that her Oma's visit was nothing more than a dream. It was her medications, her sickness that was distorting her sense of reality. But again that night, while Miranda soundly slept, she had the same experience. The bedside clock glowed 3:30a.m. This time, however, Miranda awoke to the sensation of her head being gently stroked. She smelled the lavender perfume. With eyes still closed she listened to her Oma humming an old German lullaby she used to sing to her. Miranda wondered again whether she was dreaming or awake. She was certain she was awake, wasn't she? Slowly opening her eyes, Miranda welled with tears when she saw her grandmother sitting on the upper right side of her bed facing her. The love she emanated....My God, the love.....It enveloped Miranda with a warm radiant white light  filling her with a peace she had never known. Miranda whispered " Oma, am I dreaming or are you really here with me?"  No Mimi, you are not dreaming. I am here with you. I have all ways been with you."  "But how is it I can see you Oma" asked Miranda. "The time is drawing near my Mimi. All questions will be answered soon." Know that I am here with you. There is no reason to be afraid my beautiful granddaughter." Night after night, at 3:30 a.m., Miranda dreamed...... She had come to look forward to her Oma's nightly visits. She had also come to realize that she was not dreaming.

As life slowly leaves us, the veil between the living and the dead becomes thinner. We then have a foot in both worlds. We can commune with our deceased loved ones, and they in turn, are able to commune with us....If we would only listen. The dead are not lost to us and speak to us everyday. On December11, 2011, with the fresh fallen snow glistening in the trees and on the ground in Upstate Michigan, Miranda's Oma came for one final visit. The clock on the bedside table read 3:30 a.m. This time Miranda was patiently waiting, sitting up in bed with her head resting against her pillows. She saw her grandmother as clearly as she saw her Mother and Father, and their priest reciting the rosary beside her. When her Oma lovingly reached out her hand, she spoke to her only granddaughter with such tenderness, "It is time now my Mimi". With a smile on her face, Miranda reached out her right hand and with fingers intertwined, Miranda stepped out of her emaciated body, and with her Oma's guidance stepped into the light.

~Warrior Of Love~

Should I feel remorse because my love for you causes discomfort? When all I want to do is dance with joy because I am finally able to feel once again? It is not something that I can control nor do I wish to...... I no longer have the strength or desire to wage battle with my heart. It is useless, a no-win situation for I would be an unarmed adversary. There was a time when you would not have gotten close, when you would not have been my conqueror. My armor was once impenetrable and my shield strong and protective. But even the most determined warriors tire and with time forget what it is they are fighting against. I knew all too well what I was fighting against but the cause was no longer worthy and did not serve me well. My steely resolve began to strip away, layer by layer, until I allowed myself to become vulnerable. What sane person dares to declare war on love? Such a lonely and desolate battlefield....... I was made to realize that the bravest, most noble warrior is he who defiantly removes his armor, lay down his weapons, and stands humbly before fellow man with compassion and open heart. There is no soul more brave than one who bares his heart to another, for the wound that may be suffered is sharper than any pain inflicted by sheath or sword. I stand before you now, exposed in all my glory with heart wide open. I have come to understand that I would rather die for what I know to be righteous and true than to fight a battle that was never meant to be won.......

~Unbearable~

~I know who I am, 
  I realize where I stand.
  I may have my illusions,
  my fantasies, but I know my place.   
 I have accepted this position,
because the thought of
of not seeing you is unbearable.
My body shows you the words
my lips may not speak,
how I want you so, how I love
you with every inch of my being.
Yes.....I know who I am.
I realize where I stand,
and though from time to time
the pain may well and the tears
may tell how my heart suffers so,
I accept this position, because
the thought of not seeing you
is unbearable..........

I will not say I am sorry for loving you. Love is something that comes from the night sky when the moon shines bright and fills our hearts with the promise of a life filled with wonder and joy, a  life worth living.and sharing. How can I possibly be sorry for loving you? I simply had no choice in the matter. Love is a blessing and the courage it takes to be so vulnerable is such a brave and selfless act when knowing that our hearts can be broken at any given moment in time.....I do not want my heart to be broken simply because I have dared to love you. I lay in bed thinking I should have known better, how irresponsible of me, I should not have allowed myself to go this far, so deep now and over my head. But I am weak over such an emotion that I have not experienced in too many years, a lifetime ago.....How does anyone have control over love and why would we want to deny ourselves of something so pure and true? We can justify, rationalize, demonize and crucify love because it is inconvenient and doesn't fit into our neatly packaged lives, but we are turning our backs on something so precious and rare, something that we may never again experience. Some search their entire lives and never know of love,,,,,,,how very sad that must be for them. But  I have tasted love and will not say I am sorry for loving you......if I did I would be lying....

~Love Explained~

I love you.....why should I feel guilty or ashamed because I am blessed once again to know of love? Why must I hold it within and bite my tongue when all I want to do is laugh, dance and sing my words of love to all that would bear to watch and listen? I love you.....I cannot control the way I feel nor do I wish to. I choose to be free in my thinking and allow my heart the same luxury. I have prayed and pleaded for many years, I have petitioned God and made promises so that I could find love once more before my time here has been fulfilled. I love you.....It is not something to be explained away or reasoned with. It is not an emotion that has been conjured up out of loneliness and neglect. It is nothing more and nothing less than what it is.....and that is Love. I love you......and I am not sorry if it causes you discomfort or concern because it is pure and good and it comes from a place outside of myself that I have no control over......I love you......there are worse things in this life to suffer.

750 Words~

I am so very tired this morning. Just want to crawl back into bed, curl up in a ball with the pillow over my head and sleep the day away. I'm tired of worrying about paying my bills, worrying about my children and husband. I'm tired of worrying about my business and if  this economy will pick up soon enough to save it. I need another vacation all ready but just got back home from my last one a month or so ago, just dreaming I guess. We all want to run away from life from time to time. My son's car accident a couple of early mornings ago has put me into a funk. I didn't realize how very close he came to killing himself until I talked to the police officer, the claims adjuster, the car impound guy  where I actually saw the damage done to the car. I was told that if it had been an American made car or most any other type of vehicle, the engine would have been pushed up into my sons lap....how's that for visualization? It seems a Volvo is one of, if not the most safest cars on the road. God bless that Volvo who now lies dead in a scrap heap somewhere...We just spent $800. to put new tires on it too, what a bunch of shit! I'm upset with my son but so grateful that he wasn't more seriously injured or  killed in his late night drunken drive while talking on his cell phone to his girlfriend. I mean really, drinking and driving isn't bad enough and you have to add the fucking cell phone to the mix!!! You can't tell kids anything nowadays, they just think we're (parents) are all a bunch of moronic dumbasses....maybe we are, who the hell knows. But I do know that I'll never be caught driving while intoxicated and yapping on my stupid cell phone. I hate fucking cell phones! Hell, I was never enamored with land line phones...come to think of it, I despise any kind of phone. I despise when the phone rings when someone calls me. I don't want anyone to call me because in my mind it's either a bill collector, someone trying to sell me some bullshit, bad news, or a wrong number. It's never a call from a long lost friend that I've been thinking of or a call that I just won millions in the lottery...it's all ways just some annoying call that I can live without. So this morning I am in a mood, I think you can probably tell by my delivery. I am feeling a bit defiant, upset, annoyed, disgusted....hmmm, there's more but my brain is too tired to think. Like I said previously, I just want to crawl back into bed, curl up in a ball with the pillow over my head and sleep the day away. But I cannot.....I have responsibilities and a business to run. I need to make money in order to pay my bills so that I don't receive any annoying phone calls fro bill collectors or wholesalers that I owe money to. Hell, after 16 years in business they know I'm good for it, the greedy bastards! I have all ways paid  my debts, all ways! Better late than never right? Okay, I've rambled on enough, need to put on my happy face and get ready for work. I need to show the world that I can do this, that I can become an independent woman who is self-sufficient and can take care of herself.....I need to prove this to myself most importantly. But my God, what a struggle it's been. That's why I'm still here, conflicted and confused, not feeling that great about what I'm doing and the way I'm doing it but I have no other choice at this point in time. I'm doing what must be done without trying to hurt anyone...but it seems in the process I hurt myself because I am not being true to me. We all do what we have to do in life. I am trying to become the best woman I can be, a true work in progress for sure. And if I keep at it I'm hoping that I will blossom and bloom and surprise even myself. Wouldn't that be a beautiful thing?...So....off to work I go with my happy face painted on eager to see what the day has in store for me....okay, well maybe not so eager....

Wayne's Accident

He really did it this time! How many times do you talk to someone before they listen? Some people never do, they have to learn everything the hard way. I suppose I was that way when I was young too. Stubborn, hard-headed, thought I knew it all...so of course it would serve me right to have a child who is the same way. But  he is playing with fire, this son of mine who I fear may have gotten the alcoholic gene passed down to him from a family tree riddled with them. I am worried about him now. He's only 23 years old and has been so defiant since his teens. Wayne's not a bad kid, he's intelligent, handsome, kind hearted for the most part but has the defensive air when it comes to his father and I. He just doesn't want to be told what to do or how he should do it. He despises advice, I think it just bounces right off of his brain like a ball off a wall. But he should have heeded our warnings about driving while intoxicated. What a fucking stupid thing to do....and to argue on his cell phone while driving drunk, doubly stupid, idiotic and moronic combined! Last night, well, early this morning around 5:00am I hear that dreaded knock on my door. A parents worse fear and one we pray we'll never experience. My husband gets out of bed while saying "Fuck me" because he knew this couldn't be good. There on the front porch stands a police officer with our son who is shit faced drunk, my son not the officer... I'm still laying in bed but could hear the conversation. Wayne Jr. was driving home from Clifton, he was twice the legal limit, and he ran off the road driving too fast and hit a telephone pole. We found out later from our son that he was having an argument on his cell phone with his girlfriend Janine. Janine has threatened to break up with Wayne in the past because of his drinking. Her father was or still is an alcoholic and her brother is as well. She doe not want a boyfriend/husband who suffers from the same curse. I don't blame her. I have been married to an alcoholic for over 3 decades now and it's no picnic in the park. So you see, my son learned by example I suppose, a double whammy if indeed he did inherit the addictive personality gene. I need to do more research. I know things could have turned out far worse and that I should be grateful that he didn't kill himself or anyone else or have a head injury and lie in a coma for years. Hitting a telephone pole while drunk and speeding is serious business. The police officer told my husband that it's a good thing he was driving a solid car, that Volvo's are build to withstand much more than some of the cheaper plastic cars on the road nowadays. Thank God Wayne was wearing his seatbelt and that the airbag deployed. There is all ways something to be thankful for I suppose, even the most dire of situations. We can either see the glass has half empty or half full, I've all ways been a sickening optimist. The police officer informed us our sons court date. He told us that Wayne's driving privilege has been revoked and that there will fines and penalties to be paid. I'm sure he'll have to take classes on what can happen while driving drunk and be made to view horrific scenes of accidents with mangled bodies and dead babies tossed and thrown out of car windows onto God forsaken highways. But  that's okay. We all need a slap across the face of harsh reality from time to time...as ugly as that may be. Psychically our son will be fine, mentally and emotionally is another story. The Volvo is in a coma close to death. Only time and an insurance adjuster  will determine if it lives or dies and ends up in a metal junk heap somewhere on the outskirts of town. I am worried for my son now, really worried. I don't want him to be an alcoholic. It's not the way to live a life and will only bring misery to all those involved.I have a feeling that he may need professional help and if we do this now there may be hope that he will see the light. I pray he does....over and over again will I pray.

Brother Gino

Oh...I looked! I really didn't want to but I did. I tell my mind not to but my head turns nonetheless. I have no control, sort of like a marionette who's strings are being pulled and tugged by unseen forces. Looking is not the problem. It's when I actually spot one that conjures up all those feelings that are more than unpleasant and that we tend to put inside a box and duct tape the hell out of....no leakage or oozing allowed. I call them trolls. Not out loud of course because that would be so politically incorrect and I would be viewed as an insensitive bitch, but that is far from the truth, My sensitivities run deeper than most, I can truly feel your pain. I began looking almost a decade ago, shortly after my brother told me a story of a hitchhiking nightmare that he endured. My brothers name was Gino and he was a great storyteller. He had the gift of remembering every detail while I can hardly remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday morning. Yogurt I think......or maybe a muffin....Anyway, the story he relayed goes something like this...Brother Gino wanted to leave before the weather turned too cold. Like me, he detested the winters here in Cincinnati since we grew up in Miami, Florida and loved the ocean and tropical climate. So he packed a duffel bag, stuck his thumb in the air and began hitchhiking his way south. He managed to catch a ride with a semi-truck driver who drove him all the way down to W. Virginia before he had to exit the highway to head off in another direction. Brother Gino walked back up the exit ramp and started walking south with his thumb once again stuck in the air trying to catch another ride. He walked and walked for what seemed like hours without any luck. The sun was beginning to go down along with his spirits. He was hungry, tired and cold since the temperature dropped as quickly as the setting sun. He was walking up to an overpass when he got the idea that this could suffice as his refuge for the night. The incline wasn't too steep and the ledge on top was wide enough to accommodate his size without fear of rolling off onto the freeway if he should have the misfortune of tossing and turning in his sleep. But there was no sleep for him on that freezing night somewhere in W. Virginia underneath the overpass. The weather proved too cold and brother Gino believed that he would die of hypothermia. It was 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning and he had never been so cold for such a length of time. That concrete held on to the freezing dampness the way a starving dog holds onto a bone. So he did the only thing he could do...Gino opened his duffel bag and pulled out an article of clothing. I think he said it was a Doors T-Shirt..God how I used to be madly in love with Jim Morrison....He then fished a pack of matches out of his pocket and proceeded to light the bundle of cotton on fire, but the warmth was short-lived. He then pulled another article of clothing out of his duffel, fished the matches from his pocket and repeated the process, over and over again through the night until every single piece of clothing was incinerated. Brother Gino truly believed that he would die that night but that was not his destiny. His death would come years later under different circumstances that were just as dire. Since his death I look, I really can't help myself. I look under the overpasses whenever I travel the highways and the byways looking for trolls, the lost and forgotten souls who for whatever reason have given up on life and given up on themselves. The  Vietnam veterans, the abused, the alcoholics and drug addicts, the overly sensitive misfits and tortured souls who can make no rhyme or reason of societies structure and where they fit in. I look....and I cannot help myself. I am looking for my brother Gino and all the brothers in this world who could not find beauty in life, who lost their ability to laugh and find some sort of joy. I am looking for those who have forgotten to love themselves and feel that they deserve to die alone in some God forsaken place,,,,,my heart cries for them....why do we suffer so.....dear God, why?

Dreams and Wishes

When I ask that you honor me, I am asking you for respect. I am asking that you endear me to you and that you have a place in your heart for me...I have not come to love you easily, love has never been easy for me. I resisted and denied, I have spilled many tears and my heart has ached from the want of you. But I do love you and I so desire you, as uncomfortable as this may make you feel. Life is curious isn't it? Just when you give up on the notion of love, although your prayers betray your waking hours and your dreams are filled with desire and yearning...someone walks through your door, someone who makes you sit up and take notice, someone who makes your heart beat a little faster, someone who reminds you of your womanhood and the passion and sensuality that once oozed from your pores so naturally.....and your life will never be the same..... but be so very careful in what your dreams are made of and what your wishes consist of because.....dreams and wishes can and do come true. ~Vita~

Brother Gino

My brother was an amazing guy, out of all five siblings he was the one who looked most like me with the same dark hair, eyes and coloring. We took after our father and the Italian side of the family while our brothers and sisters looked more like my German mothers side. My brother Gino battled drug addiction since he was a teenager. He was like Jeckyl and Hyde, you would not want to be around him when he was using. He told me a story a few years ago about when he was hitchhiking from Ohio back down to Florida where we grew up and how cold it got during the night along the interstate. It was during the winter and he was having a hard time getting a ride and at one point he climbed up under an overpass to try to get a little sleep. However, it proved too cold to sleep and he proceeded to take out an article of clothing from his duffel bag and set it on fire in order to warm himself a bit....he ended up burning all of his belongings during the night because he feared he would surely freeze to death. Like me, my brother had the spirit of adventure, which turned out to be a blessing and a curse. We are restless souls, always searching for something but not quite sure what it is. I loved my brother, besides my sister Kathie he was my favorite sibling and such a great storyteller....his memory was incredible, never missing a detail.  Shortly before Gino died of heroin withdrawal he was having dinner at my house and we were talking about addictions and whether it was a disease or brought on my human weakness....and this is what he said to me: Don't let anyone tell you that drug addiction is a disease, it's not like cancer or some God forsaken malady that you have no control over. Every time I relapsed I made a conscious decision to do so, no one held a gun to my head and made me stick a needle in my arm. It may be physiological, psychological, sociological....I don't know...but it's not a disease..." I have thought long and hard about his statement and I have to admit that I do not know why people become addicts. All I do know however is that I miss my brother who passed away 2 yrs. ago alone in a hospital far removed from his family...thank God he had a priest by his side until the end of his life. Now whenever I travel I always look up under the overpasses fearing that I might see a homeless person crouched up in the dark recesses rubbing his hands trying to keep warm... and inevitably I find one and how it saddens me.....because I am seeing my beautiful brother and the waste of a perfect human life and for what? Why? Why do we not love ourselves and why do we suffer so....?

Words Unspoken

The words are there....on the tip of my tongue. The sit patiently in wait, like actors backstage awaiting their cue. They want so desperately to speak out, to give meaning and substance to their essence, to make you aware of the feelings that I fear not share... but the words are there.....biding their time, wanting to spill forth until every last one of them have been heard, have been understood.....the words are there...on the tip of my tongue...and one day, I will honor them enough to set them free.....

Outside Looking In

I was born into a family that consisted mainly of alcoholics and drug abusers....I always felt different, on the outside looking in. I was never told that I was pretty, or smart, or that I shouldn't settle for anything in life except that which I truly desired because I was worth it. Everything that I managed to accomplish I did on my own but in the back of my mind I was always a little girl seeking approval, seeking love. I never felt good enough, pretty enough, smart enough.....but now, at this age, I am emerging and beginning to believe in myself, truly believe.....and that is a beautiful thing......xox

Late Bloomer

I've always been a late bloomer in life....just took my time getting comfortable in my own skin and realizing my self worth. It's a wonderful thing when something finally awakens within ourselves and we take a deep breath and exhale all the negative bullshit that has held us back from realizing our true potential. We are taught to be forgiving and kind, to not be judgmental of others, to live with love in our hearts..... these are wonderful attributes...but we must also forgive, be kind, not judge and love ourselves as well.

Sunnier Skies

~Who am I to impose my wishes on to another? And why should I care at all after all these years of pleading, threatening, worrying...? The truth is that I no longer care, live your life, if you can call that living.....drink, drink some more, here, have another....drown yourself along with your miseries....but don't think for one moment that I'm going down with the ship.....I'm sailing away to sunnier skies, warmer waters.....where there's a rainbow after reach and every squall.... ~

~Desire~

~There is so much desire inside of me.....it fills me to the brim and wants to spill forth, sweet syrupy thick words of love and longing.... but they lie in wait....just under the surface, hot and stewing until like a volcano they spill forth and drown us both in molten ecstacy .....

~Sensuality~

~There are not many things that I feel sure about in life. I leave most things open to interpretation and leave room for doubt realizing that nothing is set in stone....but the older I become the more I realize what is truly important in life....and these things I simply cannot deny because they resonate so deeply, they make me feel viable and sensual and so very much alive.....I truly believe that anything that makes our juices flow, stimulates our creativity, makes us feel raw and teeming with with the wonder and possibility of it all....is exactly the way we were meant to feel...~

Clarity

There are moments when I can see with such clarity...when the fog lifts and the clouds part....when I am conscious and living in the moment without delusions of grandeur or school girl fantasies that wrap colorful ribbons around dreams and desires that run rampant through my wishful mind....there are moments of clarity, and though I am aware I choose not to believe......because the reality I create is so much better than the one I live..........

~If Only~

~It dangles in front of me.....so shiny and filled with promise, like a crystal prism refracting light in colors so vivid and pure that it fills me with wonder and awe..
~It dangles in front of me.....this dream that is almost tangible but just out of reach, leaving echos of emptiness within the chambers of my heart.
~It dangles in front of me......I want so desperately to reach out and grasp it, pulling it to my chest, hanging on ever so tightly.
~It dangles in front of me......but the fear of failure renders me helpless and turns me into a child who needs the gentle voice of reassurance.
~It dangles in front of me......spinning round and round, singing its windsong for my ears only. Pleasing me and teasing me with the promise of what could be...........if only.~

Life (and Love) Happens......

It is not something that you can make go away because it happens to be inconvenient or the timing is wrong. It is not something to be ignored or dismissed because it doesn't fit into our carefully laid out plans or the highlighted route snaking through our personal road map of life. We will inevitability hit a speed bump or two, or a detour that takes us from familiar avenues down rocky unpaved streets with no yield signs, no stop signs, no red and green lights.....Better buckle up and strap in, drive at your own risk of personal injury for this journey is not for the feint of heart. Watch your speed and stay in your lane, don't grip the steering wheel too tightly......Roll down the window and let the wind mess up your hair....No hurries, no worries because we will all reach our destinations eventually.................

 

~Innocence~

There is a part of me.......that no one sees. The innocent little girl who marveled at rainbows, danced in the rain, walked barefoot in the grass under the bright blue skies and golden sunshine. I can see her now....her long brown hair flowing, her big brown eyes shining, her shyness, her smile, her  hopes and dreams, her insecurities, her frailties.........in another lifetime she was a ballerina, a princess, a saint loved by many. And though she gazed at the Moon and Stars and prayed that love would find her and rescue her from her loneliness, she knew that she would have to become stronger and patient and endure all that life would throw her way....knowing that it wouldn't be easy because anything worth having would be a struggle to obtain. The little girl in me KNEW these things.....and she was so very right and so very wise beyond her years......now so much time has passed, decades have gone by.... but I still see her, I still commune with her..... for she has become my inspiration, my voice of reason when nothing in this life makes sense. She is pure and she is innocent and she has the wisdom of Heaven within her soul and the Love of angels inside her heart. She is me and she is beautiful and  though I sometimes lose my way I have not forgotten her......... <3

To Feel

Why do you feel compelled to walk away from a comfortable life? Are you ungrateful for your nice home? Are you dissatisfied with good dinners being served you, wine being poured for you, gifts of chocolate bestowed upon you? Do you not see that you have so much to be thankful for? You have a husband who loves you, adores you, would die for you.....do you not see all of these blessings? .............and I answer yes......I do see. But can you understand that while I appreciate these things, they have not brought me happiness. I have this life because I have been an obedient woman. I have done all that has been expected of me. I have put my life on hold to be a good mother, a good wife. I have allowed a man to take care of me thinking that I would never be able to care for myself. All the weaknesses that I despised in my mother I now see in myself. Are you able to understand that I am willing to walk away, leave it all behind while I still believe that there is love in this world for me? I married for all the wrong reasons, not for love......I want to know the kind of love that takes my breath away, that leaves me aching for the want of him......passionate, heart wrenching love. Can you understand this? I have been in my cocoon for so many years now.......living but not really alive. I only want to feel all there is to feel.....the pleasure, the pain.....love.....I only want to feel.

~This I Give To You Freely~

~What have I to offer you.......? no wealth or riches, or villa by the sea, only my smile when you look at me.  I can offer you my compassion and empathy, to help ease your sorrows when need be...This I give to you freely.~ What have I to offer  you.......? no fame and fortune or life of luxury, only my hand when you walk with me. I can offer you my desires shamelessly, my kiss, my touch, my sensuality...This I give to you freely.~What have I to offer you.......? no gold or diamonds, to wear decadently, only my heart, to share pure and simply. I can offer you my love, uncompromisingly, with no hesitation, but so willingly........This I give to you freely.~

What Happened To Us~

We live our lives...day in and day out. We do what is expected of us, what society expects of us.....we finish school, we go to college, we marry, we gain meaningful employment....day in and day out.....the same routine.....then we have children and we busy ourselves raising them. We forget our dreams and aspirations because now we have a mortgage to pay and college tuition to think about....what happened to us? We forgot how to dance, to walk in the rain, to make love with abandon.....what happened to us? I look at you now and wonder who you are....I don't know you any longer if I ever really knew you at all.....I'm beginning to realize that life is indeed short and that there are no guarantees. It could all be gone in the blink of an eye.....so now I want to tell you, thank you for sharing the first half of my journey with me...I am not bitter for this was our time under the moon and stars. But now it is time to go our separate ways....and I ask myself once again, what happened to us? And all that I can think of  is, we loved the best way we knew how....but it wasn't enough......it wasn't enough for me.~

Sacrifice

~I didn't know I had it in me.....I used to be such a good and obedient woman. But now in looking back I can see that I was merely complacent....didn't want to rock the boat, ruffle feathers, stir the pot. I put myself on the back burner in order to keep the peace. I accepted the status quo, shut myself down emotionally for the most part, climbed deeper into my she-cave where I felt safe and disconnected from my dreams and desires......how dare I have dreams and desires when I was obligated to live this life that was nothing more than habit, a repeat of the same sense of loss and loneliness. But I did dream.....and in time my dreams grew larger than my reality. So after all of these years of questioning and second guessing myself.....I took a deep breath and said the words that needed to be said, the words that I had held back for far too long. But I didn't know I had it in me......because the pain I have caused and the suffering........oh God, I didn't want you to suffer so.....it was not my intention....and I am sorry, with all of my heart I am sorry. Am I to be the sacrificial lamb? Do I give up my hopes and dreams in order to spare another?........Maybe you are right and I am selfish, but I cannot give up on what my heart is telling me, I will not give up. Forgive me please.....but I didn't know I had it in me.......

Coupling

~ Sex is more than an act of pleasure, its' the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it's almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can't take it. And at this moment you're a part of them. ~

Clarity

~In moments of clarity, when the haze of confusion has lifted, I vividly see what's in front of me, and all that I've been gifted.~

~He shined his light in the darkness of night, to help me find the way. But to my dismay, he blinded my sight and led my heart astray.~

Lotus

~My love is like a lotus flower. Rising up from the depths of tranquil waters, petals slowly unfurling to be kissed by the Sun and embraced by the magic of the Moon.~

~Neil Gaiman quote~

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

~I Remember You~

~ I remember you....... I'm sure we've met before. You seem so familiar, but the memory eludes me. Was it in our youth, when time was slow and we were carefree? I'm trying so hard to recall, but it's a mystery to me........ I remember you.......It's like waking from a dream that soon fades from memory, leaving so secretly....but I do remember you....perhaps from another lifetime, when we walked hand and hand along the shore, and vowed our love for evermore...... I remember you.~

~Muse~

~Talk to me.....you can tell me anything, I will listen ever so intently. I am here only for you, to soothe and pacify, to encourage and inspire, to make all your dreams come true. So talk to me.........for I am your Muse, and I ask for nothing in return.......except that maybe.......I can talk to you too.~

~Patience~

~The minutes are ticking away.....turning into hours, turning into days, turning into weeks, turning into months, turning into years.........and here I am  patiently waiting..........................~

~The Appraisal~

~You hold me......in the palm of your hand, and study me, from every angle......a curiosity to toy with and try to understand....to see if I live up to your expectations......Am I worthy of keeping? Do you view me as a rare collectible, a gem of some worth? Or simply a shard of glass that has reflected the mid-day sun.........?

~The Thirst~

~You said all the right things....words flowed from your lips like sweet wine from a fountain. And though you seemed too good to be true, I was dying of thirst and dove in head first without knowing how deep the water. But it was cool, and it was soothing, and I drank it up until the fountain stopped flowing.....and left me with nothing, nothing but the taste of bittersweet tears.~

Night Music

~There is but one heart beating....in perfect unison with mine. With a strong and steady rhythm, and keeping perfect time. I can hear it in the night, while laying peacefully still, a mystical and melancholy tune, with such a haunting lilt. I can sense you in the darkness, I hear your music in the night. My heart sings its song to you, under the glow of moonlight.~

Sensitive Woman

~You are a sensitive woman, how well I can tell. A bit apprehensive, so alone you do dwell. Please share your sorrows, lonely hearts do empathize, for I too have know sorrow, which has made me realize....when darkness comes creeping, and eerily whispers your name, wrap yourself in a shroud of love.... and remember to not take blame.~

~Sway~

~There is a rhythm to life, a gentle ebb and flow that we all must learn to dance to. Simply give yourself over to the pulsating beat of it and try not to take the lead.....~

Just a thought~

~Where are we going? Do we have a sense of direction or are we simply blowing in the wind? No matter to me, we all arrive at our destinations sooner or later.....some of us just need to take the long way home, the rocky roads, short cuts never appealed to us, we much prefer the scenic route.  It seems we derive more satisfaction struggling through rugged terrain than staying on the beaten path. I wonder why this is......? Are we more pleased with ourselves with accomplishing a difficult task or do we feel that life shouldn't be too easy? Perhaps we are proving something to ourselves, maybe we are building character or we are simply gluttons for punishment....I don't know really.....the older I become the less I know.....was just thinking aloud.~

~She Let Go~

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go. She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.


She didn't ask anyone for advise . She didn't read a book on how to let go. She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all the memories that held her back. She let go of all the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.


She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.


She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.


No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go. There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.


In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

~Metamorphosis~

 ~I allowed your words to penetrate. My thin veneer was no protection from their sharp, piercing barbs. Overtime I was left scarred and damaged, my life blood slowly draining, oozing out of me until I became weak and complacent. I swathed myself in bandages, wrapping them round and around, from head to toe, mummifying myself so that I could go within to find solace and try to heal. And with the passing of time, I did begin to heal.....even with your attempts to tear away the bandages, to pull fibers from the cocoon.......I managed to heal myself. In doing so I became stronger and how this threatened you because it exposed your weaknesses......The bandages have now been removed, the chrysalis has emerged from her cocoon.....she is spreading her colorful wings and learning once again how to fly.~

Moon Love

~For the Moon I am grateful, mystical energy of the night that feeds my dreams with magic and wonder. I sense the unseen spirits in the darkness, they whisper to me secrets from the beginning of time, intangible but innately known to all of humanity. I am cradled in cosmic arms and rocked gently in a blanket made of stars. The Angels sing to me a melodic song that vibrates through the Universe.  ~For the Moon I am grateful, because it soothes my restless spirit with the promise of  Universal love. A love that shines it golden light from the Heavens above and fills me with childlike innocence and awe of all things that once were, all things that are, and all things yet to be. ~For the Moon I am grateful.........                                                                             

Passion by Paolo Coelho

"Passion makes a person stop eating, sleeping, working, feeling at peace. A lot of people are frightened because, when it appears, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path.

No one wants their life thrown into chaos. That is why a lot of people keep that threat under control, and are somehow capable of sustaining a house or a structure that is already rotten. They are the engineers of the superseded.

Other people think exactly the opposite: they surrender themselves without a second thought, hoping to find in passion the solutions to all their problems. They make the other person responsible for their happiness and blame them for their possible unhappiness. They are either euphoric because something marvelous has happened or depressed because something unexpected has just ruined everything.

Keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it - which of these two attitudes is the least destructive?

I don't know."
— Paulo Coelho~   ( I wanted to share this because he is one of my favorite writers and I have thought about this very topic recently...)

Prince of Poetry

~Out of the darkness he came to me, a trickster guised and well versed on matters of the heart. And I, of lonesome spirit, laid eyes upon his beauty, his words of wisdom did speak to me, my prince of poetry.....my love I gave to him freely. But alas, in the light of day, when the moon had gone away, I saw him more clearly....and his contemptuous cruelty frightened the innocent child in me. For you see, he was no prince of chivalry, nor a man of nobility....but merely a jester, lost in his world of insecurity.~

Forest of Dreams

~I lost my way, int the Forest of Dreams, a place I knew so well. But I was careless and traveled too far, and then the darkness fell. All my illusions were stripped away, and I could see with such clarity. But for one who's always danced in the light, this was a harsh reality. So beware bold travelers.... whoever you are, upon entering the Forest of Dreams. Step lightly and mind the signs, for things are seldom as they seem.~

Evolution

~That was a different me.....I am not the same person I was back then. You knew me many moons ago when I was a young woman, too eager to please, putting everyone else's needs before my own. Yes, that was a different me, you no longer know me, not that you ever did. You knew only as much as I allowed, I never let you all the way in....I have evolved into quite the woman, so much stronger and self assured am I. I have finally learned to love myself. I no longer need your approval nor approval from anyone for that matter. I realize my self-worth and what I am capable of giving......so much love, so much passion, it pours from me now that I've opened up my heart once again. Yes.....that was a different me. I am not the same person I was back then.......and that is an amazingly beautiful thing.~

Remorse

~It could have been a dream I had, but I really can't recall. Like a painful memory that has been buried by layers of hours, days, months, years..... But it is a part of me, this haunted memory, that rises to the surface of my mind when I am most vulnerable, smirking its ghostly grin, dead eyes peering into my soul. It is you that I see, though you are shrouded in a blinding light, swirling colors so radiant and pure dancing circles around you. I am at once overwhelmed with emotions of love, sorrow, joy, regret.....And as I reached out to you, to save you from yourself, you silently stepped back into the shadows.....until you were gone, vanished into a place somewhere between space and time, between love and hate, between reason and insanity....leaving me alone and wondering what I could have done, should have done to save you....and in turn, save myself.~

The Reawakening

~I opened the door....after too many years of self-imposed exile and solitary reflection. I believed I didn't need anyone, wouldn't entertain the idea of it. Love had become foreign to me. I didn't trust in it, couldn't put faith in it, even a child learns quickly to stay away from the flame. But the loneliness I felt......my God......the loneliness. It ate away at me, ever so slowly, until I was a shell of the woman I once knew. It overwhelmed me and undermined my very essence. But I was no longer a child and the flame, how it mesmerized and hypnotized. It enveloped me in its golden glow and the heat of it awakened within a passion that had been smoldering, buried under years of heartache and sorrow, patiently waiting for the breath of life to re-ignite the fire. Do I dare dream of love again when all I've known of love has been heartache and disappointment? Do I dare dream of the flames of passion burning like red hot embers deep within? Love and passion.......my soul cries for you, my heart yearns for you, my womanhood aches for you.......So I opened the door, after too many years of self-imposed exile and solitary reflection. I believed I didn't need anyone, wouldn't entertain the idea of it.....but I was wrong, so very, very wrong.~

~Night Music~

Under light of moon his melancholy music came to me. So lilting and sensuous that it brought me from deep slumber and awakened my senses. It pulsated with a rhythmic, tribal, thronging beat that has been danced to since the beginning of human existence. But his music was meant for my ears only and awakened in me a hunger that had been long denied. And as I danced and swayed to its calling, a remembrance came to mind that was long forgotten and buried under years of loneliness. It was a memory of love lost lifetimes ago, in another place far removed from this earthly existence. I remember you my love.....and I can hear your music in the night.....my heart aches for you, my soul sings to you, and I will not rest until I can look into your eyes once again.

The Well

~Such self-control you have, what is your secret I wonder? How do you give of yourself in matters of the heart without falling down the well? That damned deep well of no return..... I wish I had your practicality, your ability to compartmentalize, your morals and values.... But no, my stars were aligned differently... I tend to jump in head first without knowing how deep the water. So foolish of me but oh so thrilling, so very much alive it makes me feel.... I have taken that leap of faith, taken a deep breath, and jumped in...Now I pray the depth of your love is deep enough to sustain me....~   Vita

~Wide-Eyed Wonder~

~With wide-eyed wonder I think of you....and it brings a smile to my lips, and it makes my heart beat faster, and I dream of what it would be like to hold your hand, and to kiss your mouth, and to lie down with you..... and each time I see you I think of these things.....and I wonder if they shall ever come to pass.~

Just Breathe...

~What is lacking in me, in my life, that I find myself dreaming...always dreaming... of what it would be like, could be like, to be with you. Most times inviting these feelings, sometimes trying so hard to shut them out...but to no avail...it's maddening, almost unbearable, so nerve-wracking and confusing. Is it only lust that I feel? There's something happening to me, some awakening...like my battery's being recharged. I'm too mature for this, I'm so unsure of this, I'm much too wise, so stupid,...I need to take a deep breath and try to quiet my soul...Just calm down, mellow out and not allow myself to be so afraid to feel again, though it's been so very long. I don't expect anything from you or of you...except your friendship, and maybe to bury my face into your neck, take a deep breath, and forget about life for awhile...~

~Dream Lover~

~I have traveled the heavens, through space and time, through many lifetimes, just to find you. I have sailed the oceans, crossed deserts of sand, and stood on mountaintops, just to find you. I have communed with the angels, prayed to my God, sold my soul to the devil;, just to find you. And sometimes.....when I stand beneath the moon and the stars, and look into the darkness, I can sense you, ever so close and just a dream away.~      *Vita*                           

~Awakening~

~I have held you at bay for far too long now. I wouldn't acknowledge or entertain the idea of you. For you have become a stranger to me and I held no desire to meet you once again. But you had other plans and stepped out from the shadows. So here we now stand, face to face, my eyes meeting your eyes, and in them I can see the wonder and possibility of love once again awakening within me.~

Vita speaks....

Hello world, my name is Vita. I am a hopeless romantic, an epicure, a lover of music, books, the ocean, flora and fauna, humanity with all its frailties and imperfections. I set up this account so that I can post my musings, my thoughts, my prose.......I am not a professional writer or speaker, I simply write to release what is inside of my head. Sometimes my words resonate with others, sometimes I strike a nerve or make others think differently about something....I look forward to this new format....should be fun.